The Mary Sue Hunters
by Captain Hollywood
Summary: When two young women going under the penname 'Mary Sue hunters' find a pink wardrobe appear one day, they pack up their LOTR copies, grab their dog Sirius Black and head off to fight Sues and Slash, get Aragorn very mad, and cause chaos in general.
1. Leela and Jocelyn

In the far away land of Ohio, two good friends sat at a desk, giggling into their palms and staring intently at a computer. At first glance, these people would be quite insane, but then the first, brown hair tangled from hysterical laughing fits and glasses in disarray, proved them just plain mad when she said 'You've gotta watch out for those demon spirits, they're friggin' _everywhere_ these days,' in a very sarcastic tone. The other, blonde girl, laughed harder. They sobered up and continued reading, but this did not last long and cracked up once again. 'Oh wow, that has to be the _best_ chapter yet! Come on, let's check the reviews.' And they pointed and laughed some more. Like I've said, they look quite insane, and are partially. These two young women, sitting in a green bedroom and laughing at the computer, go under the penname "Mary Sue hunters" and spend their time offering constructive criticism to Suethors and laughing at them the entire time. Their personal favorite, the one they were reading just now, Tales of a Vertically Challenged Elf, probably does not sound so bad, but it is. It is very bad indeed.

In this story, dubbed T.A.V.C.E by the author, Legolas' not so tall sister Yavien (who is a Maia trapped in a beautiful Elven body) is totally in love with Frodo, so she joins the Fellowship and becomes very useful because she has magic powers that let her control fire. However, the author didn't want anyone to be left out of the romantically inclined race, so she added Serenthiel and Trekinar, her friends, both Elves, who could be in love with Boromir and Legolas. Unfortunately, since Boromir dies, Serenthiel has to pick up Éomer, but Éowyn doesn't exist so nobody questions her, except to put her down for not spending enough time grieving over Boromir. Now, as their physical features are described all the freaking time, we shall help you picture them.

Treki is, although an Elf, a redhead, and completely infatuated with Legolas. In fact, they are married and have two kids, although later in the story, one dies from illnesses and Treki becomes very sad, but still helps save the day and rescues Legolas. Oh yes, and both of Elrond's sons love her, although they never physically appear in the story, she does mention it all the time and there is a flashback or two from attempted romance, but she "loves Legolas through and through". She has a long lost sister who hates her, named Seregwen, but only appears twice. It is said that her mother 'got around' a lot, so who knows how many sisters she has. Seregwen told her that although she has at least fourteen sisters, she doesn't have a single brother. Logic does not apply in this story.

Serenthiel is a completely different animal. She has dark hair, average features that don't amount to much, and was in love with Boromir, but that dying thing got in the way, so now she's in love with Éomer, but Faramir is in love with her. She scorns Faramir, but Treki and Yavien think she should be happy someone thinks she's pretty, because she's only mortal beautiful, not immortal sparkling divinely beautiful like them. She has a thing for Men, and doesn't like her ex-boyfriend, Glorfindel.

Finally, there is Raine, the non-Sue character who makes a repeated entry into the story. Raine loves children, almost as much as she loves to drink, and so she sobered up enough to raise Treki's children. She's a peasant woman, although she is an Elf, and wears a shawl and a filthy dress. Treki considers herself above Raine on many accounts, and thinks that with a bath and some new clothes she could be beautiful, but the Queen of Mirkwood decided that taking her in would be most unseemly, and therefore ignores her now.

Yavien, the star of the story and by far the most annoying character, is also the most special. She is Legolas' sister, Frodo's wife, and Pippin is completely and utterly in love with her beyond reason, and for three days, Frodo and her broke up because Pippin tried to kiss her. Elrohir is also in love with her, as well as Treki, because the author has a huge crush on Elrohir and Frodo. Yavien is sometimes possessed by demon spirits sent by Sauron, who is trying to convince her to be his bride, because they are 'connected' and thus the fire powers. She has many bad dreams, and although she lives in Mirkwood, is afraid of spiders to the point where her powers stop working when she remembers how she helped defeat Ungoliant. This chick is past, present and future, as you know later when we discover she has taught her two friends many Enya songs. Yavien later falls into Mount Doom, only to resurface from the molten lava because she used her fire powers at exactly the right time. She then decides to leave her brother and Treki, her new sister-in law, to go back to Hobbiton with Frodo, and then gets on the boat to the Grey Havens with him.

The two friends, whose names were Leela and Jocelyn, were sipping hot cocoa and talking about Tolkien "doing the funky chicken in his grave at such a huge mockery of the already delicate canon" and discussing the benefits of giving the Suethors faulty email addresses for hatemail usage when Leela, the brunette, completely changed the topic and said,

'It would be nice if there was a way for us to visit the fanon land of Middle-Earth to actually hunt Mary Sues.' Jocelyn sighed.

'Yeah, it would be nice if we could show Yavien how things really work. You'd think a Maia could figure that out.'

'You know, I think the whole Valar would be surprised how many daughters they have if they just logged on to you know?' Leela laughed at the image of Middle-Earth deities reading fanfiction. Suddenly there was a soft whirring and a loud thump coming from Leela's bedroom.

'It's probably just the cat.' Leela said in an assuring manner as she made her way upstairs. The cat, Perpugilliam, was very stupid. She got on top of things and then actually stepped off the edge, landing on other things that are far more painful. For a cat, she was not agile at all. You see, Leela was old enough so that she lived in her own home and had pets, and legally changed her name to suit her needs.

Leela was a nerd of the classic variety, enjoying Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and occasionally Eragon, so most of the things in her home were named after characters of some fandom or another. There was a large black dog in the living room named Sirius, the cat Perpugilliam, and matching ferrets named Arya and Arwen. Leela was pretty sure Arya was actually a guy, but if she was, Leela still wouldn't change the name.

Leela, to put it lightly, was a fangirl of a higher nature. She has picked a target from all her fandoms, the most in Lord of the Rings, and the least in Eragon. She can't list them all on her fingers. But you'll see her and Jocelyn arguing later, and most of them will come into light. Obviously, Sirius is on the list, since her dog is named after him, but if the dog was brown it would've been named Remus. Jocelyn was a year younger than Leela, and as soon as she got her own home had begged for Sirius. Leela was firm about not letting Sirius go. So Jocelyn got a ginger colored cat and named it Turlough, although Jocelyn didn't really like Vislor Turlough much. Leela had been tempted, but said no to the beautiful feline, and got a brown cat, which she planned to name Hermione or Crookshanks, but as soon as she discovered how stupid the cat was, she debated naming it Mel or Perpugilliam. The latter obviously won.

When Leela and Jocelyn got into Leela's pale green bedroom, they discovered that it wasn't in fact the cat, because the cat had just fallen down the stairs, but a strange sparkly pink wardrobe with the words 'Middleearth' written on it in purple glitter gel pen. They recognized the name as the fabled land of Sueness, different from Middle-Earth mostly because most fanwriters that wrote Sues spelled it like this, which helped the Canon Valar group it together. Occasionally they let Slash in there, just to bug everyone, like Legolas, who got the most Sues by far, and the most slash stories about him, right above Frodo and Sam. The two young women turned to face each other and jumped up and down, squealing happily and waving their arms around.

'Maybe we'll see Elrohir and Elladan!!' Leela cried. Jocelyn rolled her eyes.

'Oh whatever. We all know you want to talk to Gimli.' Jocelyn attempted to punch Leela in the arm, but Leela had already jumped into the wardrobe. When Jocelyn discovered this, she ran in after her, cursing the fact that Leela didn't give her a chance to change out of her skirt.

'No! Wait a second, we must get the correct devices for exorcising the evil Sue spirits.' Leela hopped out of the wardrobe, leaving the doors open so it wouldn't dematerialize without her, and grabbed her hardcover copy of the Lord of the Rings, a bottle of Mountain Dew, and packed two backpacks with clothing and lots of bottles of water from downstairs. Next, she took out Sirius' leash. She always knew he would make a good bloodhound for Sues. With her doggie friend and supplies in check, she resumed her place in the wardrobe, shut the doors, and hoped really hard that they wouldn't land in Mordor.

_A/N: By the way, Tales of A Vertically Challenged Elf does exist. I made it long ago, when I did not know what a Mary Sue was. I'm not giving any links out though. Sorry, you'll have to find other reasons to mock me. Oh yes, and if there are any strange gaps in the story, it's where I hadn't gone over names with 'Jocelyn', and we were still debating Jocelyn, Freema, Gina, Mel and others. She really didn't want Mel. And references, if you don't know who V. Turlough is, he is a very redheaded alien boy form the British TV series Doctor Who, and Peri, Mel, and Leela are all from the same show. Leela is basically what happens when the author doesn't want to try and create an original name, so takes a Doctor Who name and tags a lame excuse on the end.  
_


	2. The Cricket Bat of Canon

_A/N: Lord of the Rings is not mine, neither is the poem I stole from Theoden, which is the Anti-Sue incantation. Also, none of the things said are actually on Wikipedia, but trust me, I looked just in case. They do have a nice long Mary Sue article though, that I read beforehand. I am the Sue expert…yay?_

Leela flicked absent-mindedly at a hair tie on her wrist as the Wardrobe quaked and shivered. Finally it simmered down after three minutes of terror on Sirius' part, who did not like things moving while he was inside of them. This is why Leela never drove him anywhere and picked a house close to the vet's office. Jocelyn was trying to get to the Mountain Dew, but Leela kept slapping her hand, even in the erratic movements of the Magic Wardrobe. After the shaking stopped completely, Leela opened the door very tentatively, reminding herself of the actual Leela or the Doctor as they would open the TARDIS doors. All Jocelyn could think about was the Mountain Dew and how much she loved Murtagh. Leela sighed in relief. It seemed the Wardrobe only landed in rooms. From the looks of sizing, she decided wherever they were was not, in fact, Mordor. It was Hobbiton…hopefully. That's where the Hobbit!Sues hang out. Leela led Jocelyn out of the room and Sirius on his leash, where Leela promptly banged her head on the arching doorway that led into the kitchen. Jocelyn made a mental note to duck, which she did, and managed just fine. Until she stubbed her toe on a pan lying around.

'Now that's strange. Why would there be a pan on the ground, just laying there, taunting us with it's panishness.' Leela mused aloud.

'Panishness? Did you make that up just now, or have you been waiting to use that one for a while?' Leela was revered by her friends and furry pets for making senseless words out of the prefixes and suffixes -osity, -ness, -tastic, un-, super- (Which isn't really a form of prefix, even for a fangirl), -ish, and many combinations of these. She also made random words up, mostly insults. Her most popular by far, was 'floohie', and 'fizzler'. Both were very unpleasant, but in reality, only Jocelyn, Sirius and Leela herself knew what they meant.

'No, I made it up while looking at the pan. Duh. But really. Do you think it would make a good Anti-Sue weapon?' Jocelyn scowled.

'It's just a pan.'

'But we have this book! And Mountain Dew!' Jocelyn looked at both objects.

'What's that got to do with anything?'

'I read this on soemone's blog. It's the recipe for the perfect weapon against a Sue.'

'Leela, you don't just believe what you hear on blogs.' Leela shrugged.

'Well, it was also in Wikipedia.'

'Oh. Carry on then.' Both females were avid believers in the magic of Wikipedia. Leela took out the book, flipped to page 820, and began the ceremonial chant. It was necesssary to change the words for the desired effect, but Leela often forgot the canon bits, and only the changed parts. Jocelyn was the chorus, softly singing 'Canon is law. Canon is true. Canon is not twisted to your ways, foul writer, Begone to the fires of Recycle Bin.' Leela began singing.

_Arise, Arise Riders of Canon!_

_Fell deeds awake: OOC and seduction!_

_Will shall be shaken, mind be melted,_

_A writing day, a canon day, ere the Sue rises!_

_Ride now, ride to her destruction!_

_Rise now! Rise now! Rise to Canon's aid and smite the girl down!_

As they finished, Leela repeated the song in a chant as she sprinkled drops of Mountain Dew on the pan. It glowed with the power of Tolkien and faded back to it's normal appearance. But it let off the feeling of pride for it's fandom. The Anti-Sue weapon was complete. Leela handed it Jocelyn.

'Will we have to do that for every weapon?'

'No, just normal things like this pan. If we make a weapon in the name of The Author, it will already possess Anti-Sue abilities.'

'What happens if we use it on the Sue?'

'She will appear as nature would make her. Most Sues start out as Orcs, since there are so many, and they make great clay, ask Sauron, for other beings. No Sue is born, they are all created by the higher Evil.'

'You mean…Legolusters?' Jocelyn said in a hushed whisper. The word "Legolas" or any form of Legolas usually brought on it's own flock of Sues. And they only had one weapon.

'And the other forms of fangirls. We will face many types of Sue and hopefully rally an army of those immune to the Sue's power.' Jocelyn nodded gravely.

'What about slash? Is there an anti-Slash weapon?' Leela smiled.

'Yes, but you'll never guess what it is.'

'No, I probably won't, since you get all of your knowledge from obscure Internet sites.'

'It's a Mary Sue.'

'No way in Mordor!'

'Yes. We will have to make a low-grade Sue tranquilizer to knock one oncsonscious and use as a Slash weapon. Although I do plan on loking forward to observing how a character is possessed by Slash. I've always heard he looks like the Devil, or Death. Something ominous.' Jocelyn gasped.

'Leela, do you think Slash is the Mara?'

'No, the Mara usually just possess strang Australian flight attendants, not scruffy men.'

'You're right. But you don't have an Anti-Sue weapon. How will you defeat them?'

'First we need a very nice sword.' Suddenly a beautiful Hobbit lass, her red hair flying behind her, and her sword clanging at her side, ran past and into the arms of Frodo, who they did not realize was standing right there.

'Oh Frodo, I'm so glad you're back!'

'Relax Ruby, I was just at my cousin's house.' They winced at how 21st Century Frodo sounded.

'Oh, Ruby, can you look at this pan? I'm not sure if there is anything on it, and I know you have great eyesight!' Jocelyn smiled evilly as Ruby looked straight at the pan, which had started to glow with the arrival of a Mary Sue. Jocelyn waited for the right moment, and then slammed the pan straight into her face. The Sue screamed in anguish, something like, 'OMG, how could you????!!!!!!111' and faded away, where a loud booming voice said, 'Hey! Wait a second…what?!' Jocelyn and Leela high fived, and grinned. Author confusion meant a job well done. Frodo blinked for a second, and then looked around, shrugged, and went back home where he would note that a pan was missing and there was a sparkly pink wardrobe in his room. Bilbo would ask some friendly questions, and Frodo would convince him that it has nothing to do with the gardener. Canon will be mostly restored.

'Hey, wait, do we have to wait, like twelve years, for the Quest to start so we can make sure that there would be Nine in the Fellowship, not Ten, Eleven, or Twelve?' Leela asked.

'I'm sure we could just take the Wardrobe.' Jocelyn shrugged nonchalantly.

'But, how do we control the wardrobe?' Leela took the swung the Mary Sue's pink sword, which she'd taken from her right before banishment.

'What are you going to use that for?' Leela grinned and began hacking at a tree. Not an important tree, mind you, but a fairly nice looking Tree with smooth white wood.

'What are you doing?' Jocelyn asked impatienly.

'Making an Anti-Sue weapon.'

'You can't use a Sue weapon to make an Anti-Sue weapon! Can you?'

'Yeah, sure, if we make sure we add lots of canon power. Good thing I brought this!' She had finished cutting the tree, had a large branch, and pulled out the Silmarillion. For this portion of Canon Keeping, they cannot change the words, to enhance the potency of the song. Leela had fashioned the wood into what looked like a flat baseball bat, and took her copy out, told Jocelyn to stand back, and began speaking of the creation of Middle Earth:

_In the beginning, there was Eru, the One, who_ _in the Elvish tongue is named Ilúvatar, made the Ainur of his thought; and they made a great Music before him. In this Music the World was begun; for Ilúvatar made visible the song of the Ainur, and they beheld it as a light in the darknesss. And many among them became enamoured with it's beauty, and of its history which they saw beginning and unfolding as in a vision. Therefore Ilúvatar gave to their vision Being, and set it amid the Void, and the Secret Fire was sent to burn at the heart of the World; and it was called Eä!_

And a red stripe went down the middle of the device, and a black circle with the letter C in the middle rest on it's center.

'What is it?' Jocelyn asked as Leela put down the Silmarillion and flexed her hands, which were sore from holding up heavy objcects, and reading the creation of this universe out to whoever may want to hear it.

'It's the Cricket bat of Canon.'

'A cricket bat.'

'Of Canon!'

'Cricket bat.'

'Oh be quiet, Jocelyn. It's much more powerful than your pan, because it's made of so much Canon Protection Magic, CPM.'

'It's a cricket bat.'

'Yes, I know that! It's the Cricket Bat of Canon!'

'What is it with you and cricket?'

'Shut up, Jocelyn, okay, just shut up. Cricket is much better than baseball, and you know it.'

'No it's not! Saying cricket is better is unpatriotic.'

'You made that up, now come on, I wanna test my Cricket Bat of Canon.'

'Can't we call it something else?' Jocelyn pleaded.

'We can call it the CBC, if you'd like.'

'No, Cricket Bat of Canon is good.' So Leela held her Cricket Bat of Canon firmly and stepped into the Wardrobe again, with Jocelyn holding her pan. They meant business. Leela decided trying shouting. Shouting was good.

'COUNCIL OF ELROND!!!!' She cried. Jocelyn started trying to slap her to get her to shut up, which Sirius didn't like, who they'd left in the Wardrobe so not to attract unwanted attention. Everyone was making lots of noise. Leela was shouting, Sirius was howling and Jocelyn was yelling at Leela to stop shouting. Anyone would think they were absolutely insane. The Wardrobe tosssed them around for a minute, and stopped quite abruptly. They wondered why. It took them at least five minutes to get to Middleearth, but maybe crossing universes is harder than crossing across time and distance. Jocelyn opened the door and Leela grabbed Sirius' leash in her spare hand. They were in another room, which Leela was starting to be thankful for, since landing in the middle of warzones probably wasn't a good thing at all.

'I think all the screaming worked…' Leela said as she noted the pale green light, the beautiful trees, and the smell of pretty things in general.

'Good, this is Mary Sue paradise. Let's hope we've got the right time period too.'

'You know they'll never let us in the Council, right?' Jocelyn scratched Sirius behind the ear.

'Yes, I do. That's why we will hide in the bushes and remember that although the Mary Sues are not people, they still have vertebrae we can bash things into.'

'Of course!' With their weapons slung over their shoulders and Sirius looking very happy in Rivendell, the girls exited the room and ran straight into some Elf guy that they didn't know. Leela wondered if it was Glorfindel. Jocelyn wondered if it was a random Elf guy.

'Who are you?' He demanded. Leela was leaning towards Glorfindel, as was Jocelyn.

'Glorfindel?' Leela asked softly.

'Idiots.' He scoffed and walked past them.

'He did not need to be so rude.' Jocelyn mumbled.

'He probably heard that.' Leela commented.

'Do you think it's actually Glorfindel?' Jocelyn whispered, looking at Sirius, who seemed oblivious to the Elf.

'NO!' The Elf shouted from inside the room.

'Wow…they do have good hearing.' They made their way through corridors and gardens, all the while wishing they had a camera. It seemed to have disappeared in the Wardrobe. Halfway through a particularly nice garden, and they sensed they were getting closer because they could hear people, Sirius started barking. They looked around frantically for something, anything, he could be barking at, but all they saw was a girl under a tree. They edged closer. The girl was crying.

'Oh…I'm so misunderstood, my daddy is making me marry a man I don't love! Oh, what fate could be worse, for a beautiful maiden such as me?' Leela rolled her eyes and sat down next to the girl.

'Listen…what's your name?'

'Princess Arliana of Moonplain. And my pet dragon is hiding from you in this tree, her name is Brightflame. She's pink.' Leela tried not to throw up.

'Can I see Brightflame? I want to pet her.' Arliana nodded and called Brightflame in fake Elvish, made of a lot of nonsense words, most of them 'Estel' and 'Galad'. An adorable pink dragon floated down from the tree.

'Jocelyn!' Jocelyn came running with Sirius, who was trying to bite the dragon's head off.

'You do realize that Dragons are creatures of Morgoth, right?'

'What? That's stupid, how would you know that!' Arliana countered.

'It's in the Silmarillion.'

'The what?'

'Are you from around here Arliana?' Arliana shook her head.

'No, I was sent here while I slept. I'm from Earth.'

'Then how do you have a father here?'

'Um…cuz.'

'Now, about your dragon. Dragons cannot logically be made pink, so if we do this,' Arliana gasped as Leela hit the dragon hard in the back with the Cricket Bat of Canon, 'Then he should go back to his true form. See, I knew it. It's not a dragon, it's a lizard.' Jocelyn nodded and took notes. Arliana looked at the two in horror.

'What did you do to Brightflame?!'

'Brightflame is right here. Oh, well, now Brightflame is in Sirius' mouth.' Arliana huffed, and she puffed, and her eyes turned red, along with her hair, which was black and blonde, but now is, as I've said, red.

'I am Princess Arliana Greenleaf of Moonplain!!!!! You will be nice and kind and sweet to me because I am better!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, bring me Legolas!!!!!!!'

'Just go away, Arliana Greenleaf of Moonplain.' Leela said in a mocking voice.

'NO!!!!!!' Her voice was laced with menace and power.

'Really, do we have to make this hard?'

'SHUT UP AND BRING ME LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'Now, come on, if we haven't brought Legolas now, what makes you think screaming will help?' Jocelyn reasoned.

'BRING ME BACK BRIGHTFLAME!!!!'

'Sirius ate Brightflame.' Leela chirped.

'How long do you think it'll take until she figures out we're outsmarting her, Leela?'

'I'm not sure Jocelyn, but this is quite fun.' Unfortunately, at this time, Arliana realized she wasn't getting anywhere, so she burst into tears, fell back on the ground, since she was flying, and ran away.

'Oh, that can't be good. There's only one thing to do.' Leela looked at the girl run away perfectly. Jocelyn grinned.

'Disturb all the blonde elves until we find Glorfindel?' And so the Quest to destroy the One Sue begins, with the poking of poor Generic Elf.


	3. Crystal and Fairy

_A/N: Thank you for my two reviews, I am honored. Well, it's more of one review, since I expected Padfoot and Stacey to review. Really, I enjoy the reviews; they don't bother me at all. Due to large Harry Potter books in the past few days, I haven't been able to type anything. Yes, it took me this long to read the book, some of us have to do things in our lives, like sleep and eat, and go to Starbucks. Thank you very much, overly-obsessed Potterheads who probably aren't reading this. Ah well, enjoy. Yes, and Generic Elf, is not in fact Glorfindel if you didn't catch that, has no name, the poor guy, so he is now dubbed Generic Elf. I think it has a special ring to it, don't you?_

Generic Elf was very tetchy when Leela started asking whether he had a beautiful Elf Princess girlfriend. Apparently, you aren't supposed to ask about the whole personal life thing in Rivendell.

'What happens in Rivendell stays in Rivendell.' Leela murmured under her breath as they walked away with a sticky drink poured over their heads. Generic Elf was grumbling about morality problems in the world today.

'Where's Glorfindel, you think?' Jocelyn mused.

'You know, that is a very good question. I wonder if Middleearth goes by the books, or by the movies.' They both thought for about ten seconds, then decided on a conclusion:

'The movies.' Leela picked up her Cricket Bat of Canon and began tapping the floor with it.

'You know, we should probably get that Sue soon, before the Council starts.'

'Oh come on Leela, don't you think that there will be more than one Sue at the Council?'

'How would we know? It's not as if we're going to be invited.' Jocelyn sighed in regret.

'If only we could use the Imperius curse, then we could have Elrond let us in.'

'No, because Elrond probably has too strong of a will, like how the Doctor or Tegan could probably resist it.'

'I don't like Tegan.' Leela gaped.

'Wh – how… when…ack! How could you not like Tegan?'

'You don't like Rose Tyler.'

'That's different, Rose Tyler is a mockery of Doctor Who, she nearly hugged a Dalek in her ignorance, you know.'

'That wasn't her fault!'

'Yes, it was her fault, any normal person could have thought, "Hmm, this is an alien. I know very little about this alien. I shouldn't get too attached until the Doctor arrives and tells me it's safe."' And so they argued. And argued. A few Elves entered the room and wondered what they were arguing about, and what exactly a Dalek was. For strange reasons that only the Wardrobe knows, they could understand and speak Westron, but not any forms of Elvish.

'What is going on here?' A voice called out. The voice was a strict one, that made Leela and Jocelyn shut up about Rose, Daleks, and Tegan for the time being and shrink down a little. A blonde Elf with a stern look in his eye pushed through the crowd. Leela went out on a limb and mumbled hopefully,

'Glorfindel?'

'Who?' the Elf answered. Jocelyn and Leela nodded to each other and regained some composure.

'Legolas?' They said with a sigh.

'Yes?' He said in a manner that made his OOC personality so very evident.

'We were just having a friendly debate.'

'You were screaming. Frodo is unnerved, he's just woken up and the loud voices remind him of the Ringwraiths Arliana saved him from. Arliana is my lover.'

'Yes, we figured that out.' Jocelyn said in a sharp, sarcastic tone that one only acquires when one is in the cubicle next to someone who has the personality of Bellatrix Lestrange. Jocelyn winced as she reminded herself of Bellatrix Lestrange, a person she did not like at all after that whole business with Sirius Black, the person, not the dog in this story. Leela laughed at her silently, and then thought of a wonderful plan. Instead of having Jocelyn hit him in the back of the head with her pan, they could play up the Mary Sue factor.

'Play along.' Leela pulled her hair out of its tight bun and removed her glasses. She smiled shyly and applied a layer of lip-gloss that she'd brought along in case they ran into Elrohir or Elladan.

'Legolas?'

'What is it, milady?' Leela smirked inwardly at the immediate effect.

'My sister Fairy and I need to get into the Council of Elrond, but our father won't let us because he thinks that women can't do anything. Will you help us get in?' Jocelyn blinked in confusion.

'Of course, fair lady, I will let you in. You and Fairy can take my two brothers' places.'

'Thank you.' Leela grimaced as she planted a kiss on his cheek. He blushed and walked away. Leela wiped her mouth and spat.

'He tasted like chocolate and Justin Timberlake Jo – I mean Fairy. I never want to do that ever again.' Jocelyn put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

'It's only because he's possessed by the Sue. Once we beat him over the head in the correct manner, he should be fine. You want some gum?' Leela nodded and took a stick of gum from the pack Jocelyn held up. She talked as she chewed the gum, which was spearmint.

'Alright here's what we're going to do. You might need some lip-gloss for this plan, Faith. I'm going as Crystal, and this will be my pet wolf named Shadow. You will be my best friend I've known ever since I overthrew the evil tyrant that had taken over my home country of Glimmaria, which rightfully belongs to me. We can be half-Elves, so we can be our own party at the Council.

'Now remember Jocelyn, we cannot, under any circumstances, listen to what the Dwarves have to say. We also must refrain from looking at the Ring, since we, normal people, would be tempted. Crystal and Fairy would not be tempted by something like the Ring. One more thing, before we execute our plan, since it's Middleearth, the timeline is messed with, and the Council will probably be happening in about ten minutes. Do you still have your duplicate Elven Ring of Power? I have Narya. You will be the granddaughter of Galadriel, and she gave you Nenya, so we can be more…persuasive. I'll be a good friend of the Elf that had Narya, since I'm pretty darn sure nobody cares about Círdan in this twisted copy of Middle-Earth, since he wasn't in the movies. On the other hand, if he was, he didn't play a speaking part. Still. Now, I'm not sure if these Rings will possibly work, but it is Middleearth…' Jocelyn nodded at the appropriate times and pulled her faux Nenya out of her jacket pocket. She placed it on her finger and smiled. Leela did the same with Narya and looked at it. A bell chimed in the distance. The newly created Fairy and Crystal stood, sighed in unison, and hoped they could get to the Council in time.

'Here we go…Tegan-hater.' Fairy opened her mouth to argue, but Crystal was already running what she hoped to be the right direction.

'Remus fangirl!' Fairy cried and sped off in the same direction. Neither noticed as the descriptions of character began to settle in, and they developed a graceful posture, slightly pointed ears, and overall glowing appearances. Crystal's eyes faded from a normal brown into a warm butterscotch color. Fairy's hair was laced with purple. After all, it was Middleearth…

_A/N: Yes, there is a plot! What will happen to Jocelyn and Leela now that Crystal and Fairy have decided that they're here to stay? Well, apart from mindless violence upon poor Arliana, hah, and her newly acquired pet. Next time: The Search For Proper Hair Dye  
_


	4. Zoe and Her Magical Hair

_ A/N: I dislike school. Especially math, I really don't like math._

_ This took a long time. I don't actually know why. Maybe it's that whole school thing?! I'm a genius._

Fairy and Crystal were enjoying the meeting. They'd already told off Gimli four times, and agreed with Legolas so many times that they'd lost track. Fairy's blonde and purple hair shimmered in the sunlight, and her green wings glittered cheerfully. Crystal's warm golden eyes positively shone with excitement as she adjusted her pale pink minidress. She'd gone through councils and meetings countless times before but they never ceased to appeal to her more diplomatic nature. Fairy looked bored as she fidgeted in her seat, showing her legs further in her blue halter dress. Crystal smiled inwardly. Fairy had troubles with meetings, but on the battlefield she was a completely different animal. Her special powers helped too, but both of them had those. Fairy just utilized them better.

Crystal and Fairy smiled and high fived each other as they left the garden area that they held the Council in. Their large white dog, Serenity, padded faithfully along beside them, listening and understanding every word. They wondered if they could catch up with Arliana later, and talk about Legolas or Elrohir.

As they were walking back, talking to Serenity, who could talk, as well as understand English, they bumped into a short woman with tangled hair that looked like a very bad dye job. Her eyes were brown, and her face was heart-shaped. Her hair was mostly red, but had brown at the roots, with hot pink at the ends. Her clothes were totally mismatching shades of blue, red and browns, with a large, heavy looking rucksack and a small blonde _thing_ behind her. Wrinkled stubs that may have resembled wings at one time stuck out from her shoulder blades. She raised her eyes to look at them, and Fairy noticed that she had a very dirty face, covered in stuff you often find on the forest floor.

'Er, hello,' Crystal began, instantly disliking this small, semi-unattractive woman.

'I'm Zoe.'

'I'm Crystal, and this is Fairy. We're Half-Elves.,' Crystal said smugly.

'Yes…obviously,' Zoe dismissed her comment and pulled out a short sword. It looked almost as if it was emitting a greenish light. Zoe smiled at the girls who looked on in interest and pulled out their own weapons with a flourish. Fairy's stunning golden blade was long and sleek with embedded jewels. It was a gift from her dead father. Crystal had a broadsword. It was the size of her leg and she held it easily. It was blue with red stones in the hilt. Fairy's wons lifted her witht eh sense of oncoming battle.

'Now really, what are your names,' Zoe asked in an almost amused way.

'Crystal,' the she-Elf retorted, feeling her blood heat and her eyes change to a shade of violet with yellow flecks, the color she got when she was about to activate her light powers. Fairy's hands began to glow aquamarine, the sure sign that her ice powers were about to force themselves into affect.

'And I'm Joc—Fairy,' Fairy stuttered.

'AHA! I knew someone was in there. Your name started with a J? Joanne? Janet? Jo?' Jackie?' Zoe looked excited at the idea that Fairy was not actually Fairy. Fairy swallowed nervously and gripped her sword tighter.

'My name is Fairy,' She assured Zoe and herself.

'I thought it was Jocelyn…' Crystal muttered, bewildered. Zoe took her oppurtunity and looked through their backpacks. Bottles of Mountain Dew, a glowing cricket bat, and dog-eared copies of LOTR were crammed inside. The girls had taken them off when they sensed a fight. Zoe took the cricket bat and Mountain Dew, handing it to Fairy.

'Drink this, it will make you stronger,' She insisted and Fairy drank the entire bottle in a few minutes. Crystal, menawhile, was flipping through _The Silmarillion _in interest.

'Wow! Dragons are evil, never knew… I like this Luthien character, she seems like she has a good cause…I wish I could sing like that, I should learn…and Fëanor? Hot name, wonder if he looked like Elladan or Elrohir…' Suddenly Crystal and Fairy felt very different. Their thoughts were not filled with the appeal of Legolas or Elrohir, and Fairy's hair was retreating to it's normal dirty blonde shade. Crystal's vision began dimming, and luckily she found a pair of thick rimmed glasses in her hand that fitted perfectly. She put them on and watched her clothes change into something practical.

Neither of them felt the heat of battle, love, lust or any other powerful feeling. They felt…indifferent. Serenity was no longer elegant, intelligent, or English-speaking, but plain old Sirius, the dog that disliked steak and would rather like the outside of a book. Zoe looked on in happiness as the eil beings that were changed into our original heroines, Jocelyn and Leela, turbo-nerds and animal enthusiasts. The only difference was that where Jocelyn had fairy wings, there were only dried up green opaque wings that resembled what Zoe had attached to her own back.

'Wha—what happened?'

'I'm not actually sure, Jocelyn, but I'm sure you could tell us…Zoe.' Zoe bowed and turned so she faced both young women, returned to their former averageness. Leela rubbed her eyelash of remaining sparkles and reutrned her attention to Zoe.

'Middleearth had different rules than Middle-Earth. Characters and people are what the fanwriters make them. You are technically fanwriters, and therefore you are what you make yourselves. When you used "disguises" to infiltrate the Council, the disguises became actual Sues, who took over your consciousness and molded your body to suit their needs. In fact, if I hadn't rescued you, your original forms would have been lost forever, and the Sues would be the keepers of your bodies. Fairy and Crystal would have destroyed you.

'I understand what you were trying to do, I tried something along the same lines. That's what these are,' She paused and pointed to the disfigured wings on her back, and then the pair on Jocelyn's, 'You have them too Jocelyn, except my character had "demon" wings and a demon tail, but that didn't show, thank God. I have an accomplice, but he's waiting at camp. His name is Jamie, and he'll be happy to know more people protecting the already fragile land of Middle-Earth.' Leela and Jocelyn thought about everything.

'One question,' Jocelyn said. Zoe nodded.

'Why does your hair have three different colors?'

'Well, it was originally dyed red, but you cannot find good dye in Middleearth, trust me I've tried, so I decided to let it leave naturally. But because of my brilliant plan with Sue meddling, I decided my character would have bright pink hair, so I've got some bits of that in here too. Jamie says it looks like a strawberry ice-cream cone exploded in my hair. I told him he wears a skirt, so he shuts up about it.'

'A skirt…?'

'Yeah, he left on a day he decided to wear a kilt. Stupid git, forgot he could change his clothes,' Zoe chuckled briefly and rubbed her hands together.

'Let's get going, hmm? Camp is about a mile away. C'mon, pick up your feet.' Nobody asked about the yellow weasel following Zoe. They could tackled another problem after food and Mountain Dew.

_A/N: Yay for Zoe, the plot device! I'm really having fun with her character, so expect lots of dialouge and stuff with her._


	5. Among the Gods, There is Phil

_A/N: And more characters! I'm thinking of adding a Lucius, Severus, Draco, or a Narcissa, or even a Bellatrix maybe, but I'm not sure, what do _you_ think, Padfoot And Stacey, do they sound good? I thought so…but no, I think she knows whom we're adding. _

Jocelyn was holding an empty bottle of Mountain Dew in her hand as she ran around the campsite with Sirius. Jamie, Zoe and Leela were trying desperately to ignore her. She stopped abruptly and pushed Leela into Zoe.

'Hahahaha, it looks like you fell!'

'You've had too much caffeine Jocelyn. How many bottles of that stuff have you had?' Jocelyn didn't answer, she just made a hissing noise and poked Leela in the head. Jocelyn sniggered and ran away. Jamie eyed Jocelyn suspiciously.

'Is she always like this?' Leela laughed far too hard for any normal person. This, of course, was just her natural reaction to someone of the opposite gender speaking to her, and Jocelyn knew this very well.

'What's so funny Leela?'

'Shut. Up. Jocelyn.' Jocelyn hissed again and sat down next to Zoe.

'Thanks again for saving us from the Mary Sues.'

'It's not a problem. Hey, did I introduce you to my pet?'

'No!! You didn't, where is he? Is he the ferret that followed you?'

'She. She is a weasel, and her name is Anji.'

'Hmm, you should've named her Tonks. Can I pet her? Can I? Can I?'

'Fine…geez,' Zoe handed Anji off to Jocelyn, who sat down next to Leela and pretended like Anji was talking.

'Hi Leela, I'm Anji,' Leela sighed and pushed Jocelyn away a little.

'Hey, Jocelyn, maybe Jamie wants to see Anji talk, you should totally show him.'

'I WILL!' Jocelyn ran away and sat down next to Jamie, and made Anji "talk". Jamie took Anji gingerly and made it talk to _her._ This made Jocelyn happy as a little lark, so she giggled and clapped her hands excitedly.

'You are so hyper, Jocelyn.'

'Shut up, Leela,' Jocelyn said, and continued talking to Anji, and Jamie.

Zoe and Leela were talking about Zoe's super awesome Sue-fighting swordy thing.

'Where'd you get it?'

'Before the wardrobe/closet thing came, I stole one of my stepsister's swords. She has this huge Japanese obsession, so I also brought a whole bunch of manga books and Japanese rap, to confuse people in case someone makes a scene about his kilt.' She eyed Jamie accusingly, and then continued.

'I also brought the red kind of Mountain Dew. It seems to work just as good, but it gives off a creepy red light, and half the people we ran into thought we were helping Sauron,' Zoe stopped to take a drink of water, 'so Jamie has a large cut across his left arm from an elf scout,' she said it lightly, like big arm-sized cuts from Elves were an everyday thing. They probably were around here. Leela pulled out her own cricket bat.

'That's very nice. Did you make it yourself?'

'Yeah I did, in Hobbiton, and it's definitely starting to grow on me too,' Zoe studied hers thoughtfully.

'You look new, though. How did you get here from Hobbiton without getting some scrapes?'

'We used the pink wardrobe.'

'That works?'

'YEP!' That was Jocelyn, screaming from the other side of camp. Jamie whacked her upside the head.

'Shut up! It's late at night, the Sues are doing what they do best.'

'What's that,' Jocelyn asked Jamie innocently. Jamie whispered something in her ear.

'Oh, um, that,' Jocelyn shifted uncomfortably at what Jamie had told her. Leela and Zoe laughed softly from the other side of the camp.

'What about bad slash?' Leela asked in a worried tone. Leela loved slash, but she can't stand PWP, het or not.

'Oh, it comes out too. Poor Sam and Frodo, I don't think they've gotten a moment of rest since Slash came in.'

'Slash _came _to Middleearth? It wasn't just, there?'

'Oh Slash takes an embodiment. He's a redheaded guy named Phil, and he carries around a pitchfork and many leather objects of unknown origins. And an Enya CD,' This made for a very real vision of a forty year old fat guy with a shock of ginger hair waving around leather and Enya. Leela cringed at the mental image.

'I'm sorry, but _Enya_?'

'Oh yes, it's how he distracts the Sue. The Mary Sue and Phil are both higher authorities in Middleearth. Mary Sue is technically a Valar, and so is Phil. But they're the Middleearth edition. So you have your favorites: Eru, Varda, Yavanna, blah, blah, blah, but then you also have Phil, Sue, Plot bunny, and the Authoress. Very rarely is it an author, you know. The only Sue/Stu author that we know of is Christopher Paolini. He tends to copy and paste a lot.'

'I like Eragon!!' Jocelyn said.

'You like Nickelback,' Leela stated.

'Yeah, and? Nickelback rules,' Jocelyn crossed her arms and stared at Leela angrily.

'The Suethors love Nickelback, you know. Far Away is their inspiration song.'

'I love that song!' Jocelyn beamed. Leela didn't. Jamie made a gagging noise in the background. They all poked fun at each other's music taste for a while, until they heard a rustling sound in the shrubbery behind them. It was not a knight saying 'Ni'.

'Who's there?' Zoe said, eyeing the offensive shrubbery suspiciously. A gangly, mostly unattractive teenage boy walked out of the bush, trying to look cool.

'Who are you? Why are you wearing that?' Jocelyn asked the strange boy, who was wearing a shirt with the Eye of Sauron on it.

'I could say the same thing about you, doll.' Jocelyn looked self-consciously down at her Harry Potter shirt, courtesy of her local Hot Topic. It had the Hufflepuff colors and mascot on it.

'Well, most of us don't go around with the Dark Lord plastered on our clothing. And don't call me that, weirdo,' Jocelyn retorted. Everyone else nodded.

'Yeah, really. What's your name, weirdo?' Leela asked, chewing on her nails a little.

'My name's Flash.'

'No it's not.' Leela sighed and glared at the boy.

'Yes, it is! I travel through space and everything, with my pretty girlfriend!'

'Your name is not Flash. That insults me, you know,' Leela said, very matter-of-factly.

'I don't have to tell you my real name,' "Flash" said. Zoe squinted and sighed.

'Listen, we don't want to hurt you, but you're really annoying. Now just tell us your name, alright?'

'Fine…my name is Remus.' Jocelyn's face lit up.

'Like Remus Lupin!?'

'No, you silly girl, it's Remus Zachary Kreiner.' Remus said. Jocelyn looked offended, especially since she was older than Remus, who was about fifteen.

'Alright, Remus, it's okay, that's a nice name. Would you like to sit down and have something to eat? We have chocolate, and Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell,' Leela listed, looking in her bag.

'Where'd you get Taco Bell?' Jamie asked.

'It's a secret,' Leela responded. Remus sat down next to Jamie.

'Well, Remus, why are you here?'

'My brother writes fanfiction. The wardrobe appeared in our kitchen, and I hopped in with him. My brother's somewhere out there, in Middleearth. His name is Michael. The last time I saw him, he was heading East. He's evil, you see.'

'Evil?' Zoe pushed some dirt around with her foot.

'He went to see Sauron, about following him around like a worshipping, brown-nosing, lackey.'

'Your brother is dead, you know,' Jamie chirped, almost cheerfully.

'Oh, thanks mate, I really needed that,' Remus growled.

'Not a problem.' Suddenly, there was another sound. This time it was the tinny sound of an out of date speaker, softly playing Enya.

'Oh no,' Zoe whispered. Jamie paled and looked around frantically, pushing Remus farther away.

'What?' Remus asked, quite loudly. Jocelyn had caught on and also looked afraid.

'Phil.'

_A/N: Oh noes! But really, review. I like the reviews. And Phil was my great idea of the year, so shut up. _


	6. Sue vs Slash Part One

A/N: I'm trying to add more detail. I know the last one was very much about talking, but I was just trying to settle in to the new characters. This one will have more description, I promise.

We last left off with everybody talking around a campsite. Zoe provides useful plot information, and Jocelyn is wired. They meet a gangly teenager named Remus Kreiner who sneaked into Middleearth with his brother, Michael Kreiner. Remus has lost his brother, which is why he's wandering around Eriador in the middle of the night. After brief introductions, Phil, the Middleearth God of Slash, ambushes our fearless gang of weirdoes…

The music faded away slowly as Phil himself walked out of the bushes and into the terrified crowd of Ringers. Behind him came Legolas, who was crying and trying to get away. He was clearly trying to paw his way back into a kind of shrub, bush, or something.

'No! I want to go back to Arli! I want Arli! **ARLI!**' Legolas cried in an obviously possessed voice. A young girl ran out of the bushes, the same that Jocelyn and Leela had confronted in Rivendell. She was buttoning her top up quickly, leaving two buttons undone at the top to expose her flesh further.

'Legolas! Phil, I'll get you this time!' The girl, Arliana, or if you prefer, Arli, was running at Phil with a determined look in her eyes and, for reasons that are unknown and illogical, a magic wand in her hands. She had long red hair, and her ears were very pointy. Arliana Greenleaf is a Super Elf, if you didn't know. This means that she can fly, and her ears are especially pointy so she can hang four pairs of earrings off them to look exotic.

'HEY! I know you two. You killed my little dragon!' Leela and Jocelyn rolled their eyes. Phil just looked at them. He looked left out, so he preformed his most powerful Slash-related spell: Angst. A conjured Sam appeared out of nowhere looking sad. Well, it is angst. He looked at Arliana.

'It's Arli!' He cried and hugged her legs. Because as a Super Elf, she is exactly four inches taller than a normal elf, so she must be very tall.

'Yes, Sam, come here. Why are you all alone in the middle of the night?'

'I do not know. I had a very unhappy dream. So I took a walk. Why are you here with Legolas and these strangers?'

'These strangers are robbers. They want to take all the food from our camp. Will you help Legolas and I beat their asses to next week?'

'Yeah!' Suddenly our motley crew looked scared. They started retrieving weapons from under logs and sleeping bags.

'Hey, that's my frying pan!' Sam pointed at Jocelyn's pan. She looked at it.

'It is?'

'Yes, I loaned it to Frodo.' At the name, Phil had conjured Sam's best friend/significant other, maybe, Frodo. Leela gaped openly at the Hobbit.

'Sam, what's going on?' Frodo stood near Sam.

'I'm not sure Frodo, but I think there's something queer about Legolas.' Legolas was acting very strange, indeed. He looked like he was being torn from the inside.

'Arliana…no…ew, girls…Arliana, I love Arli, right? No, I love Aragorn, yes. No. That's not right at all.'

'You could be asexual.' Leela suggested.

'Shut up,' Arli squealed angrily.

'Yeah, really.' Phil agreed. Leela murmured to herself and stalked away, near Jocelyn, who was trying to convince Sam that it was her frying pan.

'No, it looks an awful lot like mine, miss, and Mr. Frodo told me he couldn't find it shortly before we left for Rivendell.' Leela stood near Jocelyn. Meanwhile, Zoe, Jamie, Remus, Sirius and Anji were all feeling left out.

Jamie was petting Sirius and talking to Remus.

'You know, I have a low-grade Sue tranquilizer. We could easily knock out Arli-what's her name and then use her to get rid of Phil.'

'Why don't we then? I want to fight evil!'

'Because I don't want to get up.'

'You're a very lazy Sue hunter.'

'You tried to convince us that your name was Flash. I bet you wanted to play Queen in the background when you met us too. Don't insult me.'

'Shut your mouth.'

'Hey! I'm eighteen years older than you. I could be your father.' Remus stuck his tongue out at him. Zoe sat down next to them, glancing at the empty bag Jamie was holding.

'What was in there?'

'Food. I gave it to Sam. I told him that he should eat it later rather than now.' Quiet conversation was cut short, though, by and angry boom. Arliana looked very upset as she hovered gracefully over Phil. There was a scorch mark near where he was standing. Phil was smirking as he retrieved some kind of weapon and a scary looking leather device. Arliana changed into a sheer mini-dress with metal boots and gloves. She had a helmet that made her features look even softer and prettier.

'Oh, I'll get you now, Phil. You have insulted me for the last time, you—bad person!'

'You can't hurt me! I'm more powerful than you! Your time is over! You are a dying breed, Arliana Greenleaf!' He pronounced her name with a venomous mocking to it.

'Wait…what?' Remus scratched his head. Zoe sighed. She looked around, hoping someone else could fill in plot information for once. Setting her sights on Jamie, she cleverly told Remus, 'Jamie knows. I don't, sorry.' Jamie blinked at her and then scowled. Meanwhile, Leela and Jocelyn were staring at Phil and Arliana as they verbally sparred.

'So, who are you rooting for?' Leela casually asked Jocelyn.

'Switzerland,' she replied. It was a thing. Because Switzerland was neutral in WWII, if you're neutral about a subject, you're Switzerland.

'Oh…I'm rooting for Phil personally.'

'I know. Yaoi, shounen-ai and all that other stuff you keep going on about.' Jocelyn waved an arm in a bored fashion.

'You know me,' she said and beamed at Jocelyn. Blue fireballs interrupted their pleasant conversation as Arliana made another attack. Everyone snuggled up closer to the trees as they settled down for a fight between the Unofficial Gods of Middle-Earth.

A/N: Next time on The Mary Sue Hunters:

Mary Sue gets help from a friend…and so does Phil…and there is a fight scene! Yayness!


End file.
